VA

you can say, kyle hawk is amazing.
he is extremely sweet & makes me laugh
lots and lots of butterflies.

hearts;

you may say my heart is too big or i love too much, but i cant help it. that is who i am.
you'll probably say im just naive cause im young, but i cant help it. this is who i am.
& to those of you who think that my mother is the exact same way so guess what its something i will not grow out of its something that is apart of me and will be there forever.
sometimes i wish i were tougher on the inside and didnt give out so much love.
but then i think about it and i wouldnt change who i am for anything or anyone.
i may give out too much love and this could be my downfall but id rather have that be my downfall than being a liar or a cheater.
i would have rather loved and lost than have been bitter and tough and never loved at all.

ive recently been hurt, bad, but hearts keep beating and life goes on and so will i.
and you'd think with each guy screwing me over id change who i am be a little tougher and not let my love out as much.
well guess what i have no urge to be that way, at all.
im not bitter or mean and ill never be that way, granted when the time comes ill tell you like it is.
these guys are complete douche bags and completely take advantage of my sweet, kind, and loving nature. one day someone will love me more than i could ever love them, give more than i can give, and appreciate every little thing i do.
and by no means am i looking, i am just going with whatever happens right now.
im not settling at all and my goal right now is to make as many memories and crazy adventures as possible.


my hope for certain people have been completely squashed but my hope for my own life is growing even taller.
i want to walk right into chaos and have fun while doing it.
im living my life without limits & there is no way im shutting my heart off.
i may be more cautious but by no means am i cutting everything off.
my heart is still beating and giving out love.

happiness

i am finiding that i am really happy at this moment in my life. im happy with my current situation and i am happy with my near future, and excited to see what that future holds. getting over you is easier than i thought it would be, i dont think my feelings were as strong for you as i first believed, but then again its probably so easy because youre no where near me. and what's better is my heart is really happy because there are so many more people who are willing and more able to love me more than you ever were.


so third quarter ended today, which is awesome. this means i only have one more quarter of school left. i am getting hit by the realization that i am actually graduating! i am extremely excited. i am easily excited if you couldnt already tell.

im starting to appreciate everyone around me that shows me love. like all my co-workers, even though some of them bug the shit out of me, i really love them all and they have all helped me so much and i couldnt thank them enough for making me happy when i was sad, dancing when i couldnt dance, and singing backstreet boys with me (kyle!). i appreciate JOY so much! she is an amazing person and through out the years has never changed, and she is amazing and down for anything, mostly not going to school and going to the city or beach with me! and thank you for listening when i needed it joy. and i appreciate my family, but those fuckers are a given. haha

spring is almost here, i can feel it in the air. daylight savings is this weekend. i really enjoy when the day is lighter longer. so ive decided to go to prom, might as well. hahaha itll be fun and then the next day its off to disneyland for me!
i want to be here soooo bad:





did you know the castle that this is based off of is in Dauchau, Germany and 20-30 minutes down the road from the original castle is one of the biggest nazi concentration camps used for the Jews.
creepy, huh?
here is the original, the Neuschwanstein Castle, and the one Walt Disney wanted to base the Sleeping Beauty Castle off of:

you are pathetic, eddie.

this may be long, so if you dont have time to read this, dont start. however, i think my friends are sick of me talking about this so i am choosing to let it all out here.

to begin with you are the most selfish person ive ever met. im fucking serious. & you can sit there and tell me all these negative qualities that you have, you told me that you yourself were heartless and careless and mean and a marine. yes those are all true, yet i find all of those excuses to be honest. and like youve told me time and time again that you dont deserve me, well your right again, you never deserved me, however i find that the biggest excuse of all.

i dont regret anything i did or anything we've done, because through us ive learned an extraordinary amount of useful information and dont get proud either because its all horrible things about you. you never appreciated me and you will never get another chance to.

i did nothing wrong here, all i did was show you how special i thought you were and showed you all the love my heart can give. you fucked this all up. you were the one leading me on and you were the one pushing me away and pulling me back in and in the process hurting me along the way about every couple of months. you are so inconsistent and youre 24? i dont need or deserve someone like that. i feel at 17 that i know more of who i am then you do, at 24.

this is all really pathetic eddie. you took me for a joke and you took advantage of my age because you knew how it would be. really, i laugh when i think about how i really wanted to be with you and now realizing that i dont want someone like you. someone that will never appreciate all i have to give because all i would do was give and never ask for a damn thing. someone who never says thank you for anything ive already done. someone who can see our enevitable failing relationship,shrug their shoulders and keep me around.

you are an asshole, you really are. & the funny thing is, you know it. and another funny thing is how you continued to lead me on and give me hope after you knew that we would never work out. deep down though i knew it was enevitable. you arent strong enough to be with me and thats sad, really sad but once again i dont need that. when you close your eyes eddie, i will not fade. you will think of me. i am stronger than ever now and you will regret this. later on down the road you will see what you had. but now and by that time itll be too late. you will never find someone like me, you will see that.

always, nicole

ps: i need a hair cut

beautiful

i am a very simple person, and small things make me so happy.

thats it!

love, nicoleyolie

currently;

i have so much to do within a three month period, i guess three months sounds like a lot of time but there is so much i need to do. working 5-6 days a week doesnt help me accomplish any tasks, although i like it because in the end it keeps me busy. so basically i have decided that i am not going to prom, you may tell me that i will regret it but to be honest i dont really care for it. i went last year and it was nice but its not something im passionate enough about and i feel like it'll be such a waste of money with these upcoming events and prom would be centered in the middle of everything.

Prom is april 4th and im going to disneyland with my aunt and cousins the 4th through the 11th. which means i will have 2 weeks of spring break, fucking awesome. i am really excited for disneyland with my family, they mean so much to me, they really make me happy. and i dont think im going to disneyland with my school niether, i dont know why, i just dont want to go. it might be for the fact that at school i feel like i dont fit into anything. i like to be alone most of the time. i just dont fit in with the girls that talk about all the guys they fucked last weekend and what drugs they are going to do the next weekend. no thank you. and the closest friend i do have at school, Joy, is amazing and appreciate her so much. i get along with loads of people and im super sweet and nice but i just dont relate to anyone i feel. and im finding that its not entirely a bad thing. its always been this way with me though. like all my life it was like if a everyone liked a certain color or toy, i was attracted or my attention was caught by something entirely different. i feel like im not like anyone else, which is awesome ive come to see.

and i have no urges inside of me to go to senior breakfast or senior beach day (at the school pool). id much rather go to the serenity of the real beaches that i love. i just dont relate to anyone at my school or my age. i love all my co-workers and could spend all day talking and laughing my guts out with them. they are all out of high school and around 20 years old. and i have a huge family who comforts me and i know they will never turn their backs on me. whereas friends do, there are those select few who would never but everyone else seems so plastic and artificial to me.

my birthday is coming up and my moms side of the family are going to a beautiful vineyard in livermore in a downstairs wine cellar room, this is going to be really expensive for my mom but she wants to do this for me so i told her she could. i love her so much. that night will really be beautiful! and that morning i will going skydiving with my cousin! oh helllllll yeah! i have a little adrenaline junkie in me and it has to be fed every so often.

there is so much more besides all that ive said that i must do, not to mention college! and saturday school....hellashitty. damn unexcused absences.

i have many decisions to make but its all in time and i am going to have caca loads of fun this summer and im looking forward to my new life and what it is about to bring me!
i cant wait for the knowledge, the growth, the friends, the love, and my crazy ass getting into trouble.

ps: eddie, i will not fade as soon as you close your eyes. goodluck, asshole.

Acceptance

so ive been accpeted to SFSU. this makes me extremely happy. i applied to a bunch of different schools but SFSU was the one that i wanted to go to the most. so i have made my decision that i am going there for my next four years of education. i am so stoked yet im nervous of what is to come, but i want to get out of my comfort zone with a dying passion, and i feel if i am not nervous then its not far enough outside of my lines of familiarity. i wish i could go now, i really do, with everything and everyone that is letting me down right now, i want to leave. i only have 3 months and 2 weeks to go, minus spring break and the week ill miss for disneyland, so only 3 months. i feel so blessed and i am so greatful to have this oppurtunity because some people dont. i am so stoked to experience what life has to offer me and the trials and blessings God will put me through to become who i am really meant to be.

conquer

people that we love come and go. friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, and even sometimes family. and to be completely honest if your family leaves you, they should not be considered family. my heart has been ripped open many times and i reach down somewhere deep inside me and i find the strength to sew it back up. my heart seems to be open to anyone that needs love that i come in contact with. however, in the end it may be my downfall but one day i will find that man that believes i have no downfalls. i look at my heart and i see all the scars and i do recognize the pain that certain scars have caused but to be honest i wouldnt change it. i dont regret it. because from every scar ive learned something. ive learned to be cautious, independent, and above all loving, and there are many more attributes that ive gained through the scars on my heart. at one point each scar made my heart soar to new heights of love. i want love inside myself and on the outside throughout my whole life. love conquers all, ive come to learn and realize this. and to me this doesnt mean i need a boyfriend, this means i need to surround myself with people who love me and there are so many trying to help me right now and i need to recognize them and show them how much i appreciate each and everyone of these people for showing me all the love that has been here all along when i thought there was none.
and i want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me to who i have become today. people that left those scars and the people who will never scar my heart. and i know there are many scars left to come and knowing this somehow makes it easier.

sincerly, nicole

you better grab and hold me quick if you want me because im slipping and when im gone, im gone. and you will realize what you had later when someone screws you over because i would have never done you dirty. it all will be your loss, just look at what you have, and if you dont think your ready then so be it. but remember YOU let me go, and i may never come back. you wont let down your defensive walls and i dont want to be with someone who is iffy about me and who i am. maybe our paths will cross later in life if the other path is the one you decide to take, maybe not but dont expect me to wait if you let me go down my own road. if i had to i would wait as much as i needed to. but it seems that you are making me an option. and i wont make someone a priority if they are making me an option.

i dont give a damn what they say or think, what about you?

today i went to school and to be honest it wasnt that bad. well it was an early release day so that is probably why but at least i enjoyed it. when i do go to school i usually enjoy it. i really enjoy learning and gaining knowledge to further my self-progression. joy wasnt at school today, so i just came home for lunch, i do feel bad and i am so sorry to JOY for missing all these days of school. a new personal goal: go to school more often, unless it starts getting warm and i need to go to the beach.
i am really happy with who i am right now and what i am doing. yes, i am young. and this is a problem with a current situation but i wouldnt change who i am for anything or anyone and if you cant deal or get over my age then i am terribly sorry and it is your loss. i am looking forward to saturday. i have the day off and so does my moms. we have decided we are going to santa cruz. i am in love with beach, with the endless horizon and fresh crisp air, putting your feet into the freezing water and i shiver with extreme delight because i know in that moment i fell so connected to everything around me. my heart and face being warmed by the sun shining down with nothing to block its rays, my feet turning red from the cold ocean, hearing the waves beat against the water, dig my hands into the sand and feel every grain the waves have broken free, feel the coastal winds hit me from either side of my body, puts me into a state of mind i wouldnt trade for anything else.
i am off to work.
:)

basically

i am terribly sick. no joke. i think its karma though, for all the times i didnt go to school and now i am really sick and i have to go to school. conclusion: go to school (most of the time!). my nose has never been this stuffed up, my throat hurts, and i sneeze about every 30 minutes. its actually pretty funny. only me and the people i work with have odd sense of humors and find my sickness hilarious. but i must push forward, prevail and make it through school tomorrow.

i worked with dan today and this guy came in, he used to work next door at auntie annes. he was saying some things that really made me open my eyes. i really took everything he said and it all hit me at once. but all i have to say is God works in mysterious ways. No i wont preach to you, but if you notice when you get into huge trouble, your having the worst day of your life, or you simply cant take it anylonger, you pray. i know someone who says "i dont belive in God" yet when shes in truoble, she prays. He deserves more credit than some people give. Most people only pray to God for help when they are at a low point in their lives and honestly you should thank him everyday that He has given you life and that He died for you. these are all just my opinions and feelings but someone really opened my eyes today and thank this total stranger. i pray and hope someday that my friends who are so lost can see the Lord and all He has to give.
we think all of our problems are so enormous and we get so wrapped up into them but if we take a few steps back and see that we are getting wrapped up into something so insignificant compared to the bigger picture, compared to the Lord. He has just put a stepping stool over my small muddy rain puddle that seemed to be so horrible and now i am taking those steps over it.

goodnight :)

my duck is yellow

Alright, this is my first day back to school in five days. I cant stand it anymore than I did before. What I found interesting though was that all I did was e-mail my teachers for work and they sent it back. So I did my work and got everything done and now im not even behind. So technically I never even had to be a school or ever have to be. I dont think too many students realize this. Because my grades have not faltered one bit and my life is not going down hill as some students may take this leave of five day absence. I just saw my transcripts for first semester. I got 4 B's and 2 A's. Honestly, thats amazing for a girl who never attends school.

And I just wanted to point out, you know the saying "when it rains, it pours"
Ive come to the conclusion that it is completely true.
I mean sometimes it drizzles or sprinkles, but when the rain comes there is no stopping it.
Just thought id add that.

Now I am leaving this place and going to the beach with dan.
goodbye :)